Swimming and Other Fitness Stuff

Hello there!  It’s been awhile!

I don’t know about you, but I know for myself that the idea of “health” gets overwhelming.  You can find so much information on the internet and a lot of it contradicts other information.  One website says, “Don’t use plastic because it will cause toxins to leach into your food.”  Another site says, “Don’t eat GMOs – they cause cancer.” An article claims, “Walking is the greatest anti-depressant” while another blames gluten or dairy or red meat for humanity’s problems.  What are we supposed to believe? Perhaps more relevantly, what are we supposed to do about it?

When you live with mental illness, it is easy to blame yourself for your illness.  Add to that the never-ending barrage of information on health, and you can find a million reasons to blame yourself.  When I start reading too much about health, I am tempted to stop taking my meds.  I feel like because I am not doing all the right things, it is my fault I’m sick.  If it’s my fault I’m sick, then I don’t deserve to take the meds that help me.  If I’m going to justify spending money on meds, I’d better be doing every single thing that could possibly help me. 

That is faulty thinking.  For one thing, the meds I take are cheaper than a lot of the recommended “health foods”.  For another, without the benefits I receive from my meds, there’s no way I would have the energy or mental clarity to even figure out a healthy lifestyle and diet. 

My approach to fitness and health is an “every bit helps” approach. This means that I’m not going to cut out my meds and trust a specific diet instead.  I know my meds help, so I take them.  I don’t have to earn them by meeting a certain lifestyle standard.  I can add health components to my life, as long as they work for me. Every little thing that works adds to the benefits I get from my meds.  For me to incorporate a health practice into my life, it has to meet some criteria.  First, it can’t cause a lot of stress.  If I’m going to be constantly worrying about what I’m eating, that will increase my anxiety, not reduce it.  If I always have to force myself to work out, it has the same affect.  Second, it has to be sustainable.  It can’t take hours out of my day or require a lot of prep.  Third, it has to be at least a little bit enjoyable.  I won’t force myself to drink a smoothie that tastes terrible or do a workout that makes me so tired I could cry. 

Here’s what works for me right now:

Swimming. Back in January I set myself a goal to be able to swim 2km by my birthday in May.  Yesterday I hit 1.25km!!  Swimming works for me because:

-I’ve set a specific goal.  It’s not just “work out twice a week”.  I’ve tried that kind of goal and failed.  With this goal, if I have a couple of weeks where I don’t exercise, it just means I have to work a bit harder the next few times.  I haven’t failed.  It’s a specific but flexible goal.

-swimming is fun. I love the feeling of being in the water.  I like that I can go slow if I’m having a bad day or faster if I want to push myself.

-swimming is solitary.  Sure, sometimes I need to share a lane in the pool, but I don’t have to wait in line for the exercise machine or awkwardly walk between the mirror and someone doing curls to get to the dumbbells.  Once I’m in the pool, I’m in my own world.  This is a huge plus because the gym always heightens my social anxiety, but the pool lessens it!

-swimming is horizontal.  When I’m tired and having a bad day, I don’t want to hold my head up.  I just want to lay down.  To me, swimming feels like I’m exercising and laying down at the same time. J

-swimming is a full body workout.  I don’t worry about “leg day” or “cardio day”.  I do everything at once, so there’s a lot less to keep track of.

Being off (some) dairy.  Recently I cut out most dairy because I was having some gut issues.  It worked!  I still eat plain yogurt and mozzarella cheese, but I’ve cut out everything else.  This had some unexpected consequences.  Not only does my gut feel better, but I feel calmer and more alert.  My body feels lighter, not like I’ve lost weight but like I’m less sluggish.  I get stressed less easily and I enjoy life more.  I’ve always enjoyed not having diet restrictions, but hey, this is SO worth it.

What works for you right now?  

When Anxiety Tells You Lies

When anxiety tells you lies, you don’t have to listen.  When you’ve lived with mental illness for a while, you realize you can’t trust your thoughts.  You can’t look inside for answers when they’re so self-destructive.

Usually when things are going crazy around you, you can retreat inside yourself for a bit and think things through.  When you’ve got anxiety and depression, that changes.

On bad days, my inner dialogue is something like this:

“Don’t do it like that!”

“Why not, it’s working.”

“No, it’s stupid.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re doing it wrong. You’re stupid.”

“Shut up!”

“You’re stupid so of course you’re doing it wrong.  You’ll never get enough done. You’ll never be…”

“SHUT UP!!! Can’t you see I’m trying?? Shut up and leave me alone! Michael thinks I’m good enough, and my family likes me, and other people like me.  You’re wrong!”

“No, you’re stupid.  You shouldn’t even exist because you ONLY did dishes and laundry today.  You should have made muffins too.  And crocheting doesn’t count as being productive because you enjoy doing it.”

“SHUT UP!!!”

What I’m learning is that I don’t have to listen to that voice in my head.  I can say, “I’m ok.  God loves me enough to save me from my sins and adopt me to be His.  Nothing I do can make Him hate me now.”  And then I read a book or watch TV to drown out the conversation in my head.  It’s pretty well impossible to stop that conversation – it will keep going all day.  It usually can be drowned out by a distraction, at least for a while. 

If your mind is telling you things like this, you don’t have to listen.  You are worthy.   You deserve to get help.  And if sometimes you spend the day in front of the TV because you just can’t take it anymore, that’s ok too.  I know it’s tough, not being able to trust your own self, but hang in there.  You’re not alone.

Letter to those who have had suicidal thoughts

I'm proud of you.  We're proud of you.  You feel weak, but in fact you are brave and incredibly strong. It feels like weakness when you struggle even to breathe, but the fact that you are still fighting shows your strength.  I know it is so so hard.  Sometimes it is too hard, but you're still here and so are we.
And to all of you who have left us this year: we ache for you, for what you went through. We miss you and we won't forget you.

It's the Shortest Day of the Year

I feel a little bit like things are slipping.  I’m trying to keep a grip on things but it’s either fading or slipping away.  There are plenty of hours to get everything done, just not enough mental or physical energy.  This would be an awful feeling except for one thing: it is the shortest day of the year!  Soon the days will start getting longer!!

I have been reading a LOT of books since my last “What I’ve Been Reading Lately” post.  Right after we moved in September I got a library card so I’ve been discovering new books in different genres.  We don’t have internet at home, so that gives me more time to read.

Fun Books:

Vinyl Café Diaries by Stuart MacLean

The Story Girl by L.M. Montgomery

The Little Old Lady Who Broke All the Rules by ___

The MacDonald Hall series by Gordon Korman

Schooled, also by Gordon Korman

More Serious Fiction:

Open Secrets and Runaway, both by Alice Munro

The Secrets of Midwives by Sally Hepworth

Child and Youth Work Related Memoirs:

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls

A Child Called It by Dave Pelzer

The Boy No One Loved by Casey Watson

Deliver Me From Evil by Alloma Gilbert

Non-Fiction:

Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey

Currently Reading:

The Contemporary Catechism of the Teachings of the Catholic Church by ____

Kids are Worth It! by Barbara Coloroso

I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris

Federal Husband by Douglas Wilson

I’ll only comment on a few since it’s a long list.  I enjoyed The Secrets of Midwives because it reads like a mystery/crime novel but without the murder.  I am drawn to that genre but always end up with nightmares from the violence described, so this was a nice compromise.  I would consider it an 18+ novel because of some of the content.

The child and youth work related memoirs were eye-opening and horrifying.   They are books I would tell you to read “if you have to”. By that I mean read them if you are interested in understanding or helping people who have been abused or have experienced trauma.  If you are looking for an interesting new book, these aren’t for you.  But if you think the Children’s Aid Society or Child Protective Services are unnecessary, READ THESE. 

Vinyl Café Diaries is so much fun.  I took the book camping in October and ended up reading some of the stories out loud to Michael.  I couldn’t tell him what was funny without retelling the whole story, and Stuart MacLean’s words are just so much better than mine!

I just finished Jesus Feminist.  I am still processing it, so I don’t have much to say except this: while Sarah Bessey presents a lot of ideas that are foreign to my upbringing and church background, she does it in a gracious and thought-provoking way.   She isn’t an angry feminist at all – she is a woman committed to following Jesus and caring about people.

Wishing you all a good shortest day of the year.  Here’s to all of us who have made. it. by God’s grace.  Things are looking up.  We got this.  Here’s to sunshine and later sunsets!

November and Seasonal Affective Disorder

November is wearing me down.  It is my least favourite month of the year because of the short grey days.  Each day is imperceptibly shorter than the one before until the cumulative affect suddenly catches up to me.  It wouldn’t be so bad if it was sunny out, but November tends to be cloudy and dreary.  Even in summer I lack energy on cloudy days, so now I am really getting low on energy.  No matter how much sleep I get or how much coffee I drink, that grey fog of tiredness never leaves my head.

Thankfully, I am still able to function.  I am doing way better than last November.  I am working 25-30 hours a week and still managing to get things done at home.  It helps that my husband is in school right now so he is home more than he was when he was working full time.  Between him being home more and me being home less, the dark days aren’t long and lonely this November.

December is just around the corner.  December means pretty coloured lights, cheerful parties and get-togethers, extra church services, candy canes, and hot chocolate.  Even though it is probably the darkest month of the year, I prefer December over November because of all the Christmas events.  Whatever your theological or philosophical views about Christmas, I am thankful for it because it is like the light at the end of the tunnel for me.  It’s like a reward at the end of the shortening of the days, and after Christmas the days start getting longer again.

So what am I doing to cope?  Since I’ve been aware of this pattern of low energy in winter for about three years now, I have perspective on it.  I know that in a couple of months, my energy will start to pick up again, the Lord willing.  I’m kind of settling into hibernation mode, conserving my energy for things that need to be done, like working, housework, going to church, etc.  I’m not bothering to read deep books, research interesting topics, or tackle jobs like decluttering or deep cleaning.  In past years I have felt guilt for this and was afraid there was no point to life.  It felt like the greyness would last forever.  The perspective I’ve gained from going through this cycle multiple times is allowing me to cut myself some slack. Thankfully. 

As my sister pointed out the other day, it is now less than a month until the shortest day of the year.  We can do this. 

One Year

Today it's been a year since I ended up in Emerge in the middle of a mental breakdown.
A year ago I was afraid to be around people and afraid to be alone.
A year ago I couldn't handle reading bad news stories.
A year ago I was afraid to go for walks alone.
A year ago I was afraid of turning on the lights at night in case someone would see me from outside and shoot me.
A year ago I was afraid of my own hands.  I was afraid of myself and what I might be capable of.
A year ago I knew I had depression and anxiety, but I didn't realize how much they had affected my thinking and changed my behaviour.  I didn't realize I could relax and spin around in circles in my own house without being a target in someone's gun scope.  I didn't even realize that I was rigidly tensing up and walking in certain ways for fear of my life.
A year ago I felt (not thought, just felt) like if I wasn't a perfect wife and housekeeper all the time, my husband would hate me and want to separate.
That Sunday evening when I couldn't stop crying and I was so, so afraid, I felt the love of God so strongly.  There in the ER He answered my prayer that "Please could there not be a long wait."  When we arrived there were not many people in the waiting room.  The nurses were so caring and compassionate.  The meds they gave me made me feel so much better.  In the nurses compassion and the effectiveness of the medication I recognized God's care for me.  He hadn't left me in the dark terror of my head and heart.
Through the days that followed I continued to feel God's love in the support of my family.  First when my husband didn't mind me waking him up in the middle of the night when I was too scared to be awake alone. Then when he took me to the ER and was so supportive.  Then in the next few weeks as he worked his normal long hours and then came home and made supper or cleaned or did whatever needed to be done.  Also when my mom came and visited and brought candles and books.
I felt God's care through the Christian counselor I saw.  She listened to me and helped me see that some of my thoughts were ones I didn't need to listen to or believe.  She helped me see the boundaries between myself and the rest of the world and between myself and my illness.
Today, I am doing so much better.
Today, I am on meds that help me to function.
Today, I know that I am not a threat to myself or the human race.
Today, I know that if I am feeling or thinking badly, I can get help.
Today, I know that bad days happen.  I know that it is ok to not get everything done.
Today I know that I can walk down the street or curl up on our living room couch without being guaranteed to become a victim of crime.
Today I am learning to fully appreciate the good days, because I know a bad day is just around the corner, but I am not going to let it ruin the good days.
Today I remind myself that while life often seems hard and pointless, it has a purpose.  If I can't see the purpose, that's ok.  God knows what it is.  I just need to live today.
I know that this better health might not last forever.  I know that someday I might again have to quit work and spend my days taking naps and trying to breathe.  But that's ok.
I also know that one day all of this burden will be behind me.  One day everything will be light and joy.  One day there won't be anything to be afraid of or even cautious about.  One day I shall be with the God who has shown me so much love and care.  No matter how low I go in this life, He who sent His Son to die for me so I might live with Him is able and willing to also care for me so that I can live with Him.

On Anxiety

*Note: I wrote this a week or two ago. I am talking here about the medication I take occasionally for panic attacks. It makes me really sleepy which is why I don't like to take it. I am not talking here about the meds I take on a daily basis - they are even more necessary but they don't make me sleepy so I don't mind taking them.
I don't like to be drugged, but sometimes it is better than not. Anxiety sucks. Anxiety tells me when I loose my yarn needle that I am worthless, that if my husband has to help me find it he should be mad and kill me. Anxiety tells me that anything good I do for anyone will make them resent me. Anxiety tells me that doing my job well will get me fired because my bosses will hate me for doing something they wanted to do. It tells me if I don't do my job well then they will be displeased with me and grumble about me behind my back, but at least I would deserve that.
Anxiety makes me tense up till the muscles in my back ache. It makes me cough loud, hacking coughs.
Sometimes I try to beat the anxiety by taking care of myself, doing things like eating healthy food and exercising. Sometimes it works. Sometimes the veggies and fruit go bad in the fridge. Then the anxiety makes me avoid looking into the fridge because I feel so guilty throwing it out. Then it starts to rot and I don't want to look in the fridge because I am embarrassed that I am such a horrible person that I could let anything in my house get like that.
I have a jar of some expensive powder that's supposed to be a heavy metal detox thing but it tastes bad and I didn't find a way to make it taste ok. Now I wish I never bought it.
I feel guilty every time I go grocery shopping because I hate to spend money and I know that there is food in the cupboard. My common sense tells me that it is fine to buy milk and eggs and produce every week, that I can't live on dry pasta and onions and salad dressing and lard. But anxiety tells me not to go to the store even for necessary things because if I spend money I am a bad person because there are so many people suffering who need and deserve it more.
So yes, sometimes taking the drugs is worth it.

Managing Change

We are moving.  In 11 days. I don't like change.  I like learning new things and exploring new places, but ultimately I like to come back to the familiar things again.
A lot of things are going to change next week: new town, new church, new routine, new home.  However, I keep reminding myself that there are a lot of things that will stay the same: same furniture, same food off the same plates, same blankets to pull out of the closet and curl up on the couch with.  Keeping this mindset has helped me not to become overwhelmed by the big life change we are facing.
Knowing that I don't deal with change well is knowledge that is giving me power.  I know that I am going to have negative feelings about moving, not because it is a bad thing to do, but because I need time to adjust.  Taking time to adjust isn't wrong, it just is.  Knowing this helps me to accept my anxious feelings for what they are and not take them as signs that I should stay in my comfort zone at any cost to myself or others. I also know that there are things I can do in order to manage.  Some of the things I do in order to manage change are:
Have a crochet project on the go.  Normally I like to do quick projects that will be finished within a day or two, but right now I am working on an afghan.  This is giving me continuity day to day even though the house is looking more and more packed up.
Read a book.
Listen to music that I know I can still listen to after we move.  This will give an element of familiarity to our new home right away.
Use the same dish soap and laundry soap.  I am sensitive to smells so this is another area where I can establish continuity.
Carry a familiar object.  You'll laugh at me for this, but when my sisters and I stayed at a hotel for a girls weekend last month, I brought my teddy bear.  Having that familiar softness to hold onto as I was falling asleep helped SO much.  It tied that night in a strange place to all the other nights in my life.  (And a teddy bear is easier to carry than a pillow.)
Most of all, I know that God will never change.  All the other things can change, no matter how I plan or set things up.  But God won't.  Because of this, I am confident that it doesn't matter where we go or what happens, we won't be suddenly hanging in limbo or totally alone in the world. God always is, and He is always in control.  This is what gives me courage to face change.

My Hope Bracelet

Let me tell you the story of my hope bracelet.

Every couple of weeks I have a couple of days when my anxiety, or my depression, or both, hit hard.  This week it was depression by itself.  I felt like there was a dark black blank wall about 6 inches in front of my face.  Everywhere I went, this wall was between me and the world. The wall was blank, but it spoke to me.  It told me, "Life is pointless." "You're a failure at being a human being." (Stupid depression, that's impossible unless all the DNA in every cell in my body changes at once, and that ain't happening!) "Your husband would be better off without you." "Nothing is worth doing." 

The other night, I was laying in bed feeling this way.  Feeling sad.  When I feel sad, it feels like there is a big, hollow, sore spot in my chest.  Along with that, my left wrist throbs.  All my life I have felt my sadness in my left wrist.  I was laying there thinking all these negative thoughts, and thinking that it makes sense why some people cut their wrists.  Maybe they feel the throbbing too.  Maybe cutting helps.

Then, almost suddenly, I remembered something.  I remembered that Jesus Christ died on the cross so I can have life.  If He did that for me, then my life is worth living, and what's more, I am worth living that life.  I thought, "I need a visible reminder of that."

I have these sparkly purple beads I bought a couple of weeks ago.  I wanted to try crocheting with them, but hadn't thought of what to make yet.  I decided to make myself a cuff bracelet with a beaded cross on it.  Now, whenever I feel sad, I have the visible sign of the cross right there, covering the sad place. 

  My photography skills are not as good as these make them look.  I do know how to use Picasa though. :)

Happy Wednesday

I am tired and discouraged.  Consequently I am sitting on the floor eating a carrot and chocolate.  However, I live with mental illness.  Being tired and discouraged is normal for me.  In fact I would consider today a good day.  To keep my mind off the tiredness, I am going to list today's good things:
I did the groceries.  It took less than an hour! 
I did the dishes.
I went for a walk.
I posted some stuff for sale on Facebook.
I crocheted.
I am alive!
Some day we will be in heaven and we "shall mount up with wings like eagles, [we] shall run and not be weary, [we] shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)  This is a great promise.  I can't even imagine being out of bed for more than an hour without getting weary!
So, today is a happy Wednesday.  Or at least, a positively focused one.