Saturday, October 22, 2016

On Anxiety

*Note: I wrote this a week or two ago. I am talking here about the medication I take occasionally for panic attacks. It makes me really sleepy which is why I don't like to take it. I am not talking here about the meds I take on a daily basis - they are even more necessary but they don't make me sleepy so I don't mind taking them.
I don't like to be drugged, but sometimes it is better than not. Anxiety sucks. Anxiety tells me when I loose my yarn needle that I am worthless, that if my husband has to help me find it he should be mad and kill me. Anxiety tells me that anything good I do for anyone will make them resent me. Anxiety tells me that doing my job well will get me fired because my bosses will hate me for doing something they wanted to do. It tells me if I don't do my job well then they will be displeased with me and grumble about me behind my back, but at least I would deserve that.
Anxiety makes me tense up till the muscles in my back ache. It makes me cough loud, hacking coughs.
Sometimes I try to beat the anxiety by taking care of myself, doing things like eating healthy food and exercising. Sometimes it works. Sometimes the veggies and fruit go bad in the fridge. Then the anxiety makes me avoid looking into the fridge because I feel so guilty throwing it out. Then it starts to rot and I don't want to look in the fridge because I am embarrassed that I am such a horrible person that I could let anything in my house get like that.
I have a jar of some expensive powder that's supposed to be a heavy metal detox thing but it tastes bad and I didn't find a way to make it taste ok. Now I wish I never bought it.
I feel guilty every time I go grocery shopping because I hate to spend money and I know that there is food in the cupboard. My common sense tells me that it is fine to buy milk and eggs and produce every week, that I can't live on dry pasta and onions and salad dressing and lard. But anxiety tells me not to go to the store even for necessary things because if I spend money I am a bad person because there are so many people suffering who need and deserve it more.
So yes, sometimes taking the drugs is worth it.