Swimming and Other Fitness Stuff

Hello there!  It’s been awhile!

I don’t know about you, but I know for myself that the idea of “health” gets overwhelming.  You can find so much information on the internet and a lot of it contradicts other information.  One website says, “Don’t use plastic because it will cause toxins to leach into your food.”  Another site says, “Don’t eat GMOs – they cause cancer.” An article claims, “Walking is the greatest anti-depressant” while another blames gluten or dairy or red meat for humanity’s problems.  What are we supposed to believe? Perhaps more relevantly, what are we supposed to do about it?

When you live with mental illness, it is easy to blame yourself for your illness.  Add to that the never-ending barrage of information on health, and you can find a million reasons to blame yourself.  When I start reading too much about health, I am tempted to stop taking my meds.  I feel like because I am not doing all the right things, it is my fault I’m sick.  If it’s my fault I’m sick, then I don’t deserve to take the meds that help me.  If I’m going to justify spending money on meds, I’d better be doing every single thing that could possibly help me. 

That is faulty thinking.  For one thing, the meds I take are cheaper than a lot of the recommended “health foods”.  For another, without the benefits I receive from my meds, there’s no way I would have the energy or mental clarity to even figure out a healthy lifestyle and diet. 

My approach to fitness and health is an “every bit helps” approach. This means that I’m not going to cut out my meds and trust a specific diet instead.  I know my meds help, so I take them.  I don’t have to earn them by meeting a certain lifestyle standard.  I can add health components to my life, as long as they work for me. Every little thing that works adds to the benefits I get from my meds.  For me to incorporate a health practice into my life, it has to meet some criteria.  First, it can’t cause a lot of stress.  If I’m going to be constantly worrying about what I’m eating, that will increase my anxiety, not reduce it.  If I always have to force myself to work out, it has the same affect.  Second, it has to be sustainable.  It can’t take hours out of my day or require a lot of prep.  Third, it has to be at least a little bit enjoyable.  I won’t force myself to drink a smoothie that tastes terrible or do a workout that makes me so tired I could cry. 

Here’s what works for me right now:

Swimming. Back in January I set myself a goal to be able to swim 2km by my birthday in May.  Yesterday I hit 1.25km!!  Swimming works for me because:

-I’ve set a specific goal.  It’s not just “work out twice a week”.  I’ve tried that kind of goal and failed.  With this goal, if I have a couple of weeks where I don’t exercise, it just means I have to work a bit harder the next few times.  I haven’t failed.  It’s a specific but flexible goal.

-swimming is fun. I love the feeling of being in the water.  I like that I can go slow if I’m having a bad day or faster if I want to push myself.

-swimming is solitary.  Sure, sometimes I need to share a lane in the pool, but I don’t have to wait in line for the exercise machine or awkwardly walk between the mirror and someone doing curls to get to the dumbbells.  Once I’m in the pool, I’m in my own world.  This is a huge plus because the gym always heightens my social anxiety, but the pool lessens it!

-swimming is horizontal.  When I’m tired and having a bad day, I don’t want to hold my head up.  I just want to lay down.  To me, swimming feels like I’m exercising and laying down at the same time. J

-swimming is a full body workout.  I don’t worry about “leg day” or “cardio day”.  I do everything at once, so there’s a lot less to keep track of.

Being off (some) dairy.  Recently I cut out most dairy because I was having some gut issues.  It worked!  I still eat plain yogurt and mozzarella cheese, but I’ve cut out everything else.  This had some unexpected consequences.  Not only does my gut feel better, but I feel calmer and more alert.  My body feels lighter, not like I’ve lost weight but like I’m less sluggish.  I get stressed less easily and I enjoy life more.  I’ve always enjoyed not having diet restrictions, but hey, this is SO worth it.

What works for you right now?  

Happy New Year 2017

2016 was for me a year of healing from mental breakdown, learning my limitations, being creative, and trying new things.  For us as a couple it was also a year of finding new direction career wise, moving to a new community, discussing and planning for the future.  2016 for the world was difficult, surprising, confusing.   There have been terrorist attacks in cities which a few years ago seemed to be safe bulwarks of Western culture.  One of the most powerful and supposedly progressive nations has elected as their leader a man who openly makes sexist and racist remarks.  We’re facing a world-wide refugee crisis.  Closer to home, indigenous peoples in our country are living without basic necessities like clean drinking water. 

For many, the start of a new year is a time for optimism.  It is a time to make a change; a time for new promises and goals; a time to change the world.   I used to think like that.  I would have a long list of New Year’s resolutions.  I would start right at midnight on my project to be sinless, perfect in every particular.  One year during a New Year’s Eve party, I stopped eating the party food and drinking pop as soon as midnight came.  For the rest of the party, I ate vegetables and drank water. 

I’ve lost that starry eyed optimism.  Hopefully it has been replaced with realism and not pessimism, although I can’t say for sure.  Here is what I know: 2017 is going to be hard.  We’re going to hear about terrorist attacks, airplane crashes, homicides, child abuse, and economic crisis.  We’re going to hear a lot of talk back and forth about policy issues, parental rights, religious rights, and globalization.  A lot of it will seem to get no where, because a new year doesn’t change anything. 

If you’re like me, you want to change the world and fix everything.  You want to feed every single refugee child and sponge away the trauma.  You want to shout from the roof tops that it’s not ok that there are so many missing and murdered indigenous women in Canada.  You want to whisper into the heart of every woman, “You matter.  You don’t deserve to be mistreated because of your race and gender.  I care about you.” 

It’s discouraging because we can’t fix the world.  Every problem is so big and so complex.  Even if there was a perfect solution to everything, we couldn’t carry it out because we are flawed sinners.   We think “If I were in power, I would make so much positive change!”  But power corrupts, and we aren’t invincible to that temptation even as Christians.

Should we give up?  Shall we turn off the radio, stay in our “safe” social circle, and concern ourselves only with hypothetical rights and wrongs?  Can’t we build up a wall between “us” and “them” and give a host of reasons why their problems are their fault and there’s nothing we can do?

 It’s tempting isn’t it? 

Can I make a proposal?  What if we do the little things?  Each of us can seize every opportunity to make a difference.  You can’t change the world, but you can change one person’s world.  You can’t rescue every abused child, but maybe you can become a mentor with Big Brothers Big Sisters or Children’s Aid Society.  You can’t eradicate rape culture on college campuses, but you can keep your eyes open and intervene if you see something that’s off.  You can’t fix dysfunctional relationships, but you can be a listening ear for someone that needs it.  You can’t stop all abortions everywhere, but you can write letters to your M.P. voicing your disagreement; and you can provide financial or emotional support to a woman who is considering abortion. 

Will you join me in making 2017 a year of hope for someone?  Jesus said, “Whoever gives one of these little ones only a cup of cold water in the name of a disciple, assuredly, I say to you, he shall by no means lose his reward.”  (Matthew 10:42) Will you pray with me that God will use our little actions for the greater good? 

Happy New Year!

Christmas Party

NOTE: I wrote this a week ago and didn't publish it right away.

I have just spent a wonderful evening with a fun group of women.   A few months ago I hadn’t met most of them.  They included me, and I am glad.

We laughed and ate and played games.  We talked babies (there were 3 of them present, and several on the way) and potty training and cooking. 

It was wonderful to laugh and have fun like that.  I was so tired beforehand, so drained from 3 days in a row of listening to loud kids and answering numerous questions and just trying to function on not enough sunlight.  But I was determined to go to this Christmas party – I’d been invited and included.  The women seemed very nice and I wanted to spend time with them and get to know the people in our new church.  I went, and I am so glad I did.  The tiredness seemed to melt away in all the laughter.  Sometimes happiness is contagious. 

So tonight I am uplifted and grateful.  And tired.  Goodnight! 

Research Project Announcement

As long as Michael and I have been married, we’ve had this ongoing discussion around gender roles, feminism, marriage, and the Bible.  There are so many voices out there, so many opinions on this rather wide and controversial topic.  There are some things we have definitely agreed on, like any extreme is probably not right and your ideology has to work in the real world.  There are also many areas in which we don’t agree 100% with the ideas we were raised with.  The concern now is, are we starting to believe what sounds good to us?  Or are we genuinely finding the truth?  I know that the Christian life is not supposed to be easy.  It is about self-denial and learning to be holy.  I suspect that some of the ideas I like are not in line with the Bible, because I know that as a human it is easier to follow what feels good than what is right. 

For a bit of background, my husband and I were both homeschooled.  We grew up in a fairly conservative church community where it was sort of taken for granted that the husband is the head of the family, that wives are to submit to their husbands, and that children are to obey their parents.  This was definitely not Christian Patriarchy.  However, through the magazines, blogs, and books I read as a child and as a teen, I was exposed to the ideas of the patriarchy movement and was in some ways drawn to it.  By nature I see the world in a black and white way, so the clearly laid out rules and apparent possibility of achieving perfection really appealed to me.  As I became an adult, however, things changed.  For one thing several leaders of the movement have been exposed for sexual misconduct.  For another, I am an independent person who doesn’t like to be told what to do, and for another, I started going to school for child and youth work and realized that patriarchy’s idea of keeping our families pure and unaffected by the world leaves no room for caring for the hurt and broken in society. 

I know patriarchy and complementarianism aren’t the same thing, but I also have found that a lot of people who come out of patriarchy also reject complementarianism.  It’s hard not to be affected by these ideas.  I’ve also always believed or at least absorbed the idea that feminism is a bad thing, that it is destroying families (and thus destroying society) and that it is responsible for the deaths of millions of babies through abortion.  This may be true, but at the same time isn’t feminism responsible for my ability to vote?  And wouldn’t feminism be a good thing for women in countries where in the judicial system a woman's testimony is only worth half of a man’s?

In light of all this, I have embarked on a research project investigating these topics.  This is the purpose statement I am starting out with:

“The purpose of this research paper is to examine the topics of gender roles, the place of women, family structure, etc., including subtopics like modesty, child raising/training, feminism, complementarianism,  egalitarianism, patriarchy, the patriarchal evangelical homeschool movement, dating, courting and so on, in order to form a well-grounded philosophy for my own life and family.  I take as absolute authority the word of God.  Beyond that I hope to examine many sources, taking the good and leaving the bad.”

In the last week or so, I have fallen down a massive rabbit hole of reading blogs written either by people who have left patriarchy or left Christianity all together, or who are stay-at-home daughters or wives.  The problem is remembering to take notes and keep track of sources…

I have a big pile of books I plan to use as well as blogs and websites to look into.  I am also open to suggestions.   In fact, I strongly desire suggestions.  Give me your suggestions!  I’d also like your opinions, provided they are stated respectfully and without the use of profanity. 

*note.  this research project is being undertaken as a hobby/ side interest, not a work project.  It may take me a long time to finish it.

November and Seasonal Affective Disorder

November is wearing me down.  It is my least favourite month of the year because of the short grey days.  Each day is imperceptibly shorter than the one before until the cumulative affect suddenly catches up to me.  It wouldn’t be so bad if it was sunny out, but November tends to be cloudy and dreary.  Even in summer I lack energy on cloudy days, so now I am really getting low on energy.  No matter how much sleep I get or how much coffee I drink, that grey fog of tiredness never leaves my head.

Thankfully, I am still able to function.  I am doing way better than last November.  I am working 25-30 hours a week and still managing to get things done at home.  It helps that my husband is in school right now so he is home more than he was when he was working full time.  Between him being home more and me being home less, the dark days aren’t long and lonely this November.

December is just around the corner.  December means pretty coloured lights, cheerful parties and get-togethers, extra church services, candy canes, and hot chocolate.  Even though it is probably the darkest month of the year, I prefer December over November because of all the Christmas events.  Whatever your theological or philosophical views about Christmas, I am thankful for it because it is like the light at the end of the tunnel for me.  It’s like a reward at the end of the shortening of the days, and after Christmas the days start getting longer again.

So what am I doing to cope?  Since I’ve been aware of this pattern of low energy in winter for about three years now, I have perspective on it.  I know that in a couple of months, my energy will start to pick up again, the Lord willing.  I’m kind of settling into hibernation mode, conserving my energy for things that need to be done, like working, housework, going to church, etc.  I’m not bothering to read deep books, research interesting topics, or tackle jobs like decluttering or deep cleaning.  In past years I have felt guilt for this and was afraid there was no point to life.  It felt like the greyness would last forever.  The perspective I’ve gained from going through this cycle multiple times is allowing me to cut myself some slack. Thankfully. 

As my sister pointed out the other day, it is now less than a month until the shortest day of the year.  We can do this. 

One Year

Today it's been a year since I ended up in Emerge in the middle of a mental breakdown.
A year ago I was afraid to be around people and afraid to be alone.
A year ago I couldn't handle reading bad news stories.
A year ago I was afraid to go for walks alone.
A year ago I was afraid of turning on the lights at night in case someone would see me from outside and shoot me.
A year ago I was afraid of my own hands.  I was afraid of myself and what I might be capable of.
A year ago I knew I had depression and anxiety, but I didn't realize how much they had affected my thinking and changed my behaviour.  I didn't realize I could relax and spin around in circles in my own house without being a target in someone's gun scope.  I didn't even realize that I was rigidly tensing up and walking in certain ways for fear of my life.
A year ago I felt (not thought, just felt) like if I wasn't a perfect wife and housekeeper all the time, my husband would hate me and want to separate.
That Sunday evening when I couldn't stop crying and I was so, so afraid, I felt the love of God so strongly.  There in the ER He answered my prayer that "Please could there not be a long wait."  When we arrived there were not many people in the waiting room.  The nurses were so caring and compassionate.  The meds they gave me made me feel so much better.  In the nurses compassion and the effectiveness of the medication I recognized God's care for me.  He hadn't left me in the dark terror of my head and heart.
Through the days that followed I continued to feel God's love in the support of my family.  First when my husband didn't mind me waking him up in the middle of the night when I was too scared to be awake alone. Then when he took me to the ER and was so supportive.  Then in the next few weeks as he worked his normal long hours and then came home and made supper or cleaned or did whatever needed to be done.  Also when my mom came and visited and brought candles and books.
I felt God's care through the Christian counselor I saw.  She listened to me and helped me see that some of my thoughts were ones I didn't need to listen to or believe.  She helped me see the boundaries between myself and the rest of the world and between myself and my illness.
Today, I am doing so much better.
Today, I am on meds that help me to function.
Today, I know that I am not a threat to myself or the human race.
Today, I know that if I am feeling or thinking badly, I can get help.
Today, I know that bad days happen.  I know that it is ok to not get everything done.
Today I know that I can walk down the street or curl up on our living room couch without being guaranteed to become a victim of crime.
Today I am learning to fully appreciate the good days, because I know a bad day is just around the corner, but I am not going to let it ruin the good days.
Today I remind myself that while life often seems hard and pointless, it has a purpose.  If I can't see the purpose, that's ok.  God knows what it is.  I just need to live today.
I know that this better health might not last forever.  I know that someday I might again have to quit work and spend my days taking naps and trying to breathe.  But that's ok.
I also know that one day all of this burden will be behind me.  One day everything will be light and joy.  One day there won't be anything to be afraid of or even cautious about.  One day I shall be with the God who has shown me so much love and care.  No matter how low I go in this life, He who sent His Son to die for me so I might live with Him is able and willing to also care for me so that I can live with Him.

Our Home

Our house is half packed up.  We are preparing for a new adventure.
This old house, with its wide floorboards and high baseboards, is my dream house.  It is sociable, comforting, forgiving. It is a house that is used to being a house; it is content with its duty of sheltering people.  It has heard secrets, seen sorrow and joy, but it does not tell. It has encompassed many people before us and it will encompass many people after us.  I like the thought that this place is not "ours"; it is merely a resting place on the path of our life.  Our time here is coming to a close.  We have added stories and character to this house's legacy.  It is time for us to move on and others to come.  I am glad.  This place is a people place.

Managing Change

We are moving.  In 11 days. I don't like change.  I like learning new things and exploring new places, but ultimately I like to come back to the familiar things again.
A lot of things are going to change next week: new town, new church, new routine, new home.  However, I keep reminding myself that there are a lot of things that will stay the same: same furniture, same food off the same plates, same blankets to pull out of the closet and curl up on the couch with.  Keeping this mindset has helped me not to become overwhelmed by the big life change we are facing.
Knowing that I don't deal with change well is knowledge that is giving me power.  I know that I am going to have negative feelings about moving, not because it is a bad thing to do, but because I need time to adjust.  Taking time to adjust isn't wrong, it just is.  Knowing this helps me to accept my anxious feelings for what they are and not take them as signs that I should stay in my comfort zone at any cost to myself or others. I also know that there are things I can do in order to manage.  Some of the things I do in order to manage change are:
Have a crochet project on the go.  Normally I like to do quick projects that will be finished within a day or two, but right now I am working on an afghan.  This is giving me continuity day to day even though the house is looking more and more packed up.
Read a book.
Listen to music that I know I can still listen to after we move.  This will give an element of familiarity to our new home right away.
Use the same dish soap and laundry soap.  I am sensitive to smells so this is another area where I can establish continuity.
Carry a familiar object.  You'll laugh at me for this, but when my sisters and I stayed at a hotel for a girls weekend last month, I brought my teddy bear.  Having that familiar softness to hold onto as I was falling asleep helped SO much.  It tied that night in a strange place to all the other nights in my life.  (And a teddy bear is easier to carry than a pillow.)
Most of all, I know that God will never change.  All the other things can change, no matter how I plan or set things up.  But God won't.  Because of this, I am confident that it doesn't matter where we go or what happens, we won't be suddenly hanging in limbo or totally alone in the world. God always is, and He is always in control.  This is what gives me courage to face change.