One Year

Today it's been a year since I ended up in Emerge in the middle of a mental breakdown.
A year ago I was afraid to be around people and afraid to be alone.
A year ago I couldn't handle reading bad news stories.
A year ago I was afraid to go for walks alone.
A year ago I was afraid of turning on the lights at night in case someone would see me from outside and shoot me.
A year ago I was afraid of my own hands.  I was afraid of myself and what I might be capable of.
A year ago I knew I had depression and anxiety, but I didn't realize how much they had affected my thinking and changed my behaviour.  I didn't realize I could relax and spin around in circles in my own house without being a target in someone's gun scope.  I didn't even realize that I was rigidly tensing up and walking in certain ways for fear of my life.
A year ago I felt (not thought, just felt) like if I wasn't a perfect wife and housekeeper all the time, my husband would hate me and want to separate.
That Sunday evening when I couldn't stop crying and I was so, so afraid, I felt the love of God so strongly.  There in the ER He answered my prayer that "Please could there not be a long wait."  When we arrived there were not many people in the waiting room.  The nurses were so caring and compassionate.  The meds they gave me made me feel so much better.  In the nurses compassion and the effectiveness of the medication I recognized God's care for me.  He hadn't left me in the dark terror of my head and heart.
Through the days that followed I continued to feel God's love in the support of my family.  First when my husband didn't mind me waking him up in the middle of the night when I was too scared to be awake alone. Then when he took me to the ER and was so supportive.  Then in the next few weeks as he worked his normal long hours and then came home and made supper or cleaned or did whatever needed to be done.  Also when my mom came and visited and brought candles and books.
I felt God's care through the Christian counselor I saw.  She listened to me and helped me see that some of my thoughts were ones I didn't need to listen to or believe.  She helped me see the boundaries between myself and the rest of the world and between myself and my illness.
Today, I am doing so much better.
Today, I am on meds that help me to function.
Today, I know that I am not a threat to myself or the human race.
Today, I know that if I am feeling or thinking badly, I can get help.
Today, I know that bad days happen.  I know that it is ok to not get everything done.
Today I know that I can walk down the street or curl up on our living room couch without being guaranteed to become a victim of crime.
Today I am learning to fully appreciate the good days, because I know a bad day is just around the corner, but I am not going to let it ruin the good days.
Today I remind myself that while life often seems hard and pointless, it has a purpose.  If I can't see the purpose, that's ok.  God knows what it is.  I just need to live today.
I know that this better health might not last forever.  I know that someday I might again have to quit work and spend my days taking naps and trying to breathe.  But that's ok.
I also know that one day all of this burden will be behind me.  One day everything will be light and joy.  One day there won't be anything to be afraid of or even cautious about.  One day I shall be with the God who has shown me so much love and care.  No matter how low I go in this life, He who sent His Son to die for me so I might live with Him is able and willing to also care for me so that I can live with Him.

On Anxiety

*Note: I wrote this a week or two ago. I am talking here about the medication I take occasionally for panic attacks. It makes me really sleepy which is why I don't like to take it. I am not talking here about the meds I take on a daily basis - they are even more necessary but they don't make me sleepy so I don't mind taking them.
I don't like to be drugged, but sometimes it is better than not. Anxiety sucks. Anxiety tells me when I loose my yarn needle that I am worthless, that if my husband has to help me find it he should be mad and kill me. Anxiety tells me that anything good I do for anyone will make them resent me. Anxiety tells me that doing my job well will get me fired because my bosses will hate me for doing something they wanted to do. It tells me if I don't do my job well then they will be displeased with me and grumble about me behind my back, but at least I would deserve that.
Anxiety makes me tense up till the muscles in my back ache. It makes me cough loud, hacking coughs.
Sometimes I try to beat the anxiety by taking care of myself, doing things like eating healthy food and exercising. Sometimes it works. Sometimes the veggies and fruit go bad in the fridge. Then the anxiety makes me avoid looking into the fridge because I feel so guilty throwing it out. Then it starts to rot and I don't want to look in the fridge because I am embarrassed that I am such a horrible person that I could let anything in my house get like that.
I have a jar of some expensive powder that's supposed to be a heavy metal detox thing but it tastes bad and I didn't find a way to make it taste ok. Now I wish I never bought it.
I feel guilty every time I go grocery shopping because I hate to spend money and I know that there is food in the cupboard. My common sense tells me that it is fine to buy milk and eggs and produce every week, that I can't live on dry pasta and onions and salad dressing and lard. But anxiety tells me not to go to the store even for necessary things because if I spend money I am a bad person because there are so many people suffering who need and deserve it more.
So yes, sometimes taking the drugs is worth it.

Our Home

Our house is half packed up.  We are preparing for a new adventure.
This old house, with its wide floorboards and high baseboards, is my dream house.  It is sociable, comforting, forgiving. It is a house that is used to being a house; it is content with its duty of sheltering people.  It has heard secrets, seen sorrow and joy, but it does not tell. It has encompassed many people before us and it will encompass many people after us.  I like the thought that this place is not "ours"; it is merely a resting place on the path of our life.  Our time here is coming to a close.  We have added stories and character to this house's legacy.  It is time for us to move on and others to come.  I am glad.  This place is a people place.

Managing Change

We are moving.  In 11 days. I don't like change.  I like learning new things and exploring new places, but ultimately I like to come back to the familiar things again.
A lot of things are going to change next week: new town, new church, new routine, new home.  However, I keep reminding myself that there are a lot of things that will stay the same: same furniture, same food off the same plates, same blankets to pull out of the closet and curl up on the couch with.  Keeping this mindset has helped me not to become overwhelmed by the big life change we are facing.
Knowing that I don't deal with change well is knowledge that is giving me power.  I know that I am going to have negative feelings about moving, not because it is a bad thing to do, but because I need time to adjust.  Taking time to adjust isn't wrong, it just is.  Knowing this helps me to accept my anxious feelings for what they are and not take them as signs that I should stay in my comfort zone at any cost to myself or others. I also know that there are things I can do in order to manage.  Some of the things I do in order to manage change are:
Have a crochet project on the go.  Normally I like to do quick projects that will be finished within a day or two, but right now I am working on an afghan.  This is giving me continuity day to day even though the house is looking more and more packed up.
Read a book.
Listen to music that I know I can still listen to after we move.  This will give an element of familiarity to our new home right away.
Use the same dish soap and laundry soap.  I am sensitive to smells so this is another area where I can establish continuity.
Carry a familiar object.  You'll laugh at me for this, but when my sisters and I stayed at a hotel for a girls weekend last month, I brought my teddy bear.  Having that familiar softness to hold onto as I was falling asleep helped SO much.  It tied that night in a strange place to all the other nights in my life.  (And a teddy bear is easier to carry than a pillow.)
Most of all, I know that God will never change.  All the other things can change, no matter how I plan or set things up.  But God won't.  Because of this, I am confident that it doesn't matter where we go or what happens, we won't be suddenly hanging in limbo or totally alone in the world. God always is, and He is always in control.  This is what gives me courage to face change.

Operation Eat More Vegetables

In my quest for healthy eating, I have been on a "lower sugar intake" mission for the last year or so.  This has involved adjusting my muffin recipes, training myself to like coffee with just cream, and buying less sweets.  I am pretty much satisfied with where we are at with sugar now, so it's on to the next thing!

I like vegetables but I don't like the work involved, especially when I am hungry and looking for a quick snack to grab.   Here are some of my solutions to that problem so far:
-buy peppers, spinach, etc on sale; cut them up and freeze them to throw in soup, chili, or spaghetti sauce.

-buy mini cucumbers that can be eaten whole; these also make a great option for packed lunches.
-buy baby carrots.
-buy radishes; I love radishes and apparently they have a high nutrient content.
-buy lots of veggies and few snack foods like chips and crackers so we are forced to eat veggies.

 What are your veggie-eating strategies?

My Hope Bracelet

Let me tell you the story of my hope bracelet.

Every couple of weeks I have a couple of days when my anxiety, or my depression, or both, hit hard.  This week it was depression by itself.  I felt like there was a dark black blank wall about 6 inches in front of my face.  Everywhere I went, this wall was between me and the world. The wall was blank, but it spoke to me.  It told me, "Life is pointless." "You're a failure at being a human being." (Stupid depression, that's impossible unless all the DNA in every cell in my body changes at once, and that ain't happening!) "Your husband would be better off without you." "Nothing is worth doing." 

The other night, I was laying in bed feeling this way.  Feeling sad.  When I feel sad, it feels like there is a big, hollow, sore spot in my chest.  Along with that, my left wrist throbs.  All my life I have felt my sadness in my left wrist.  I was laying there thinking all these negative thoughts, and thinking that it makes sense why some people cut their wrists.  Maybe they feel the throbbing too.  Maybe cutting helps.

Then, almost suddenly, I remembered something.  I remembered that Jesus Christ died on the cross so I can have life.  If He did that for me, then my life is worth living, and what's more, I am worth living that life.  I thought, "I need a visible reminder of that."

I have these sparkly purple beads I bought a couple of weeks ago.  I wanted to try crocheting with them, but hadn't thought of what to make yet.  I decided to make myself a cuff bracelet with a beaded cross on it.  Now, whenever I feel sad, I have the visible sign of the cross right there, covering the sad place. 

  My photography skills are not as good as these make them look.  I do know how to use Picasa though. :)

Introverts Date Night Ideas

I was recently inspired by Bailey's post, Every Summer Festival, Ever to write a post on date ideas for introverts.  My husband and I are both introverts.  Here are some of the things we enjoy doing together:

1. Go out for coffee.  There is a large grocery store close to us that sells THE BEST COFFEE EVER in their "ready made foods" section.  We go there occasionally.  If you go there between 8 and 9 pm there are almost no people in the seating section. It is a great place to sit and look out the window.

2. Go for a hike or a walk.  This is great if you enjoy nature (which we do).  You can stop for ice cream first or pack a thermos of hot chocolate to share.

3. Sit on the couch and play endless rounds of the card game Golf or get really competitive over Carcassonne

4. Go to bed early just to hang out. (Not to be intimate [you should be intimate, but that isn't the point of this date idea.])  Play 20 Questions or Truth or Dare, have a pillow fight, tease each other, ask each other about funny/sad/embarrassing childhood memories - you name it.  I always found growing up that the best "talking time" was in bed, where there is nothing else to do and no distractions.  There is something about being tired and laying in bed that seems to loosen inhibitions and make people more talkative. :)

5. Do a puzzle together.

6. Get a couple of puzzle books.  You can race each other to see who can finish their book first.  Our race has been going on for months.  We ripped out the answer sections and stuck them in the closet first, though.  Occasionally we will pick one particular page and race to see who can finish a Sudoku or cryptogram first.

7. Read a book together.  Each week, each of you should read one chapter, and then set aside an evening to go over it together.  This can be a Bible study book to deepen your faith, a marriage/relationship book, or a book on a topic you both are interested in.  To be honest, we haven't done this since we got married, but it still sounds like a good idea to me.

Being introverted means you probably won't be having "Instagram" worthy dates, but that doesn't mean they can't be fun or significant to the two of you!  And after all, that's what matters, isn't it?